Life in the Bat Cave: Technical Non-Support

Have you ever wondered how you can make your IT support experience at work as aggravating and useless as possible? Wonder no more – it’s super-easy! Follow these guidelines and you’ll be ensured poor support, every time!

Now, it's not that there aren't bad tech support people out there who make support calls miserable with no intervention on your part – there are! And it's not that I won't help you if you do any of the things on this list – I will! But (and the same principle applies to any job), there is a proper way to request technical support. And what follows isn’t it.

So here, without further ado, is a list of things you can do to ensure a bad support experience. Okay, just a little further ado. Use these with caution. Combining them all into one request may make your tech’s head explode. I cannot be held liable for your actions. Even if I could, I'd deny responsibility, stick my tongue out, and say "neener neener neener."

*AHEM* (in the order they occurred to me and others I've surveyed):

1. Call when you're busy. Indicate (many times) that you're busy. Give me a timeline to fix your problem. Complain if I do not meet your timeline.

2. Be vague. "This thing on my computer isn't doing what it's supposed to do" is descriptive enough. After all, I should be able to figure out all of the "technical mumbo-jumbo" on my own.

3. Always ask if there's a problem with the server. Because your PC couldn't possibly be having an issue unless the entire system is.

4. Tell me there's another way to do something, other than the way I'm telling you to do it. Tell me that your way is better/faster/prettier/easier, and ask why I don’t do it your way.

5. Let a problem go until the worst possible time for an emergency, then call and demand immediate resolution.

6. Delete any extra files you don't recognize. If you've never heard of them, you probably don't need them. Bye-bye, system32.

7. Be sure to request assistance only when you're away from your desk, so we don't interrupt your workflow. It's fun to rearrange my schedule to accommodate yours. You could almost say it's a challenge. It’s also fun to have to find you when I need a password or other information so I can do my job. Like Hide and Seek!

8. Point out many times that you "have work to do."

9. Call at 5:29 when the office closes at 5:30.

10. Lie, if you've done something to cause the problem but don't want to admit it.

11. Call around lunchtime. Insist that the problem be fixed immediately, and then leave for YOUR lunch.

12. Approach me in the elevator, or while I'm eating lunch, or when I'm involved with another issue.

13. Look at me suspiciously if I ask for a password.

14. Clear those pesky error messages off your screen – they just get in the way.

15. Explain "it worked until the IT Department upgraded/patched/moved your system."

16. Use your terminology instead of proper terminology. I love technophobes. They make my job so much more interesting.

17. Tell me entirely too much about the document which is currently causing you problems, including but not limited to: a) the recipient is a jerk who’s cheating on his wife with his secretary, and he’s really fastidious and if this letter doesn’t go out the way he wants it there might be some H-E-double hockey sticks to pay; b) the letter used to work in WordPerfect, and you just can’t get used to this stupid Word program – back when you used WordPerfect, well that was when you were skinnier/taller/smarter/less in denial, whatever and yadda yadda yadda….

18. Stare as we explain the fix, and then ask us to repeat it because you didn't get it the first (second, third, fourth, fifth…) time.

19. Have a third party call and try to explain the problem, so I can try to troubleshoot third party, too.

20. Don't listen to what I have to say – talk over everything so you can't possibly remember this for next time.

21. Put me on hold or interrupt me to talk to someone standing near you.

22. Get upset when I say your document is gone forever. It's clearly my fault that you didn't save it.

23. Download a game, then call when it messes up your legitimate applications and complain that we can't ever get anything to work correctly.

24. Hold me on the phone while you walk through every step of the documentation I just gave you.

25. If I'm remoted in and controlling your desktop, keep taking the mouse control away from me. It's a fun game.

26. If you're not satisfied with my response, call my co-worker and ask the same question. Better yet, call my supervisor.

27. Use foul language or generally treat me like I'm not worth your time.

28. Specify that YOU HAVE WORK TO DO!

29. Complain about the policies. Often. Because I created them.

30. Call me honey or sweetie (or any name other than my given name). It really makes me feel special.

31. Start every call with "I have a question." Wait for me to ask what it is before you start talking.

32. Don't read e-mails from IT. Then, call and ask a question that would have been answered had you read the e-mail.

33. Eat at your desk, hovering as close to your computer hardware as possible. Make sure you drop stuff in your keyboard and on your mousepad. Spill coffee in your keyboard, and then feign innocence when I pick the keyboard up and brown liquid pours from it.

34. Ask for new hardware because yours is dirty.

35. When your request for new hardware is not warranted (because it's only dirty!), ask me to clean your hardware.

36. Watch me clean your hardware while making comments like "ew" and "I wonder how long that's been in there."

37. Pile as many pictures, post-its and papers on top of your monitor and PC tower as you possibly can. Watch me closely to make sure I put it back the way I found it.

38. Complain that I didn't put stuff back the way I found it. By stuff, I mean that speckle of glitter from last year’s New Year’s Eve party, which holds so much sentimental value to you.

39. Ask me to adjust your thermostat, fix the fan or move your furniture.

40. Be rude. Demand assistance.

41. Ask me questions about the content of programs we don't use and websites that are not ours.

42. Ask suspiciously if we touched your computer over the weekend.

43. Explain solutions to others, even if you're not sure what you're saying is right.

44. Reboot before calling, thereby eliminating those pesky error messages.

45. If you know a server crashed or some other IT crisis is in process, call and ask what exactly is going on and when it will be fixed. Call back 5 minutes later and repeat until the issue is resolved. ----OR----

46. Call and ask the question that you've been meaning to call about for weeks but just now got around to it.

47. Customize every aspect of your desktop (Colors! Themes! Sounds!). Complain that I didn't put everything back the way I found it. Your “I © Justin” wallpaper is irreplaceable!

48. Insist the computer "does stuff" without your intervention or direction.

49. Forget your passwords. Ask me to reset them. Often. ----OR----

50. Ask me what your password is. Because I keep a list.

51. After I've showed you how to do something and it worked, repeat that it didn't work for you when you tried it.

52. Hover and make suggestions as I work to fix a problem.

53. Ask me to do your mail merge/scan job/file conversions for you because you "don't have the time" or "are worried about it."

54. Call, let the phone ring once. Hang up. Call my supervisor and tell him I'm not answering the phone.

55. Don't believe me when I say I don't have access to login to anyone's e-mail account. I really do, I just don't want to help you.

56. Ask me to fix your personal home computer, and then become offended when I request payment for my services, even if company policy instructs that I should.

This isn’t EVERY possible method of ensuring bad support – there are far too many of those to list. But these should get you off to a good start. Happy Hounding!

PS – For REAL support request tips, check out my other article in the TechTrax Soapbox!